Autumn

Autumn comes to Wisconsin!

Today would have been a good day to go out hawking!

I hope this is my last winter here.

In many ways, there is an exquisite beauty,

and I plan to get out in the months to come

and feel winter's sometimes indifferent caress,

only this time without a hawk.

There is a longing, for many things, that tugs at my soul.

Sometimes I'm uncertain where I'll find solace for that yearning.

I only hope eventually . . . . .

. . . . . for resolution!

* * * * I am returning many years later to make some repairs to this blog - many posts have gone hiding.  What follows are some posts I wrote but which are not appearing.  They are inserted this way to keep them in chronological order * * * *

This year I've been practicing my hawk trapping. I don't have time to train a bird or hunt one this winter, but I can still catch and release. I'm fortunate in that the people that I have invited to go with me, all have seen me catch a bird (or two). I've been out myself a few times, and neither saw anything or caught anything.

On Wednesday October 22 I had a day off from school and work, so I invited my Minnesotan friend, Rich to come along for a hawk stalk. He drove, and was willing to go all the way down to the pheasant farm in Janesville. It was a long drive, but worth it. I trapped 2 birds there, both within about an hour of each other. The first bird on the trap had two other juvenile hawks on the ground next to the trap with it prior to being snagged. The first bird was most likely a female at 3 lbs, 2 oz, however she did have a crop on her. The second hawk was 2 lbs 2 oz. There was a third bird I would have loved to come to the trap to just simply look at it. Very dark and beautiful! Ah well, another day.

So we brought the larger bird home to put on the fist a little. The above picture is deceptive. It's a totally wild and un-manned bird. If it could see, I'd not be putting my nose near it's beak. Below is what it really thinks about me.

This was a good sized female, and she came to the trap even though she had a crop on her. Greed is good in a hawk! I wish I could keep her and train her . . . . but again . . . . my schooling schedule would not make this possible. To practice falconry is to be responsible. And right now the responsible thing to do is to not take a bird. Next year!!

Thanks Rich for coming along! You've been a very good 'luck charm' with the hunting last year, and you were good luck with trapping too!


* * * * * MILESTONES (unsure publish date)

Oh My Gosh . . . . I had a day off today!! I've not had a day off for several weeks now.

So, what did I do? Well, go trapping, of course!

Today I took out a young lady I met over a year ago to 'hawk stalk'. She went hawking with me last year. I think she would like to eventually become a falconer, once her life settles enough that she can pursue it. If I were going to stay in the area, I'd be willing to train her. I don't always feel like I'm qualified to train another person to do what I enjoy doing . . . . but I'd be willing to try with this young lady.
We drove down to Madison, and trapped this average sized red-tail. 46 ounces. She'd be a good bird to train.

Good Luck Christina! I hope you can accomplish this dream which I think I've effectively infected you with.

While driving around today, my car ticked over at a quarter of a million miles. It's been a great car, and I hope it continues to be so. :-)

For New Experiences . . . this last week I rode the bus for the first time in my life. I was getting some maintenance on my car (to keep it running beyond that above milestone) so needed to get to my clinical visit. Liz offered her car, but I didn't want to impose on her, so I got a bus schedule and learned how to read it. It's easy, and the bus stop is right down the street from the house. You do have to ride around the town a little, but I didn't have to pay for it, and only 'paid' with my time.

The other new experience, though a bit of a grim one, was my first opportunity to perform CPR. I will not give any details to respect the privacy of the patient, but I was able to be a part of a team and experience what it is like to give real chest compressions on a human. As a respiratory therapist, I will be a part of a code team, so this will become a normal part of my work life. This was just the first time. Gotta start somewhere!


* * * * The following was entitled NAIL IN THE COFFIN ~ published 10/4/08 * * * *

Today is a day I've been somewhat dreading. Today, according to some information that I should not go and look at, and which I actually did not (had a girlfriend do it) my Ex and former best girlfriend are getting married. And why it should bother me . . . I don't know! He's been living with her practically since the day he left me . . . gave his heart over to her before he had even begun to pack up his things . . . why should the formality of a wedding vow bother me? It didn't stop him from leaving me! These questions I've been working through recently with the school counselor . . . mostly because of some unresolved emotions, mourning that I still have not fully done . . . and from the sometimes overwhelming stress I've been under with my education.

This is my compromise! I was going to send him an e-mail, a song I wanted to send. I've decided it serves no function, and is best not done, but I will post here, for this is my voice. Besides, it probably would not be seen for days and days, as maybe he's taking her on some fabulous trip that he never took me on the 20 years I was married to him. She also probably got another diamond too out of the deal. She already had a pretty nice sizeable rock from the guy before. All I've ever had for a ring was a tiny microscopic chip. I'd hoped for something nice for my 20th anniversary. What I got was a divorce!

But these are my sadnesses and my anger talking.

I slowly build my new life. I can actually see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, but this last part of the journey is going to be the hardest. I'm in clinicals right now, and last week I was able to begin some limited treatments with patients. I can administer neb treatments, which are the backbone of a Respiratory Therapist. There is so very much more I must learn, and I struggle against my 40 year old brain, and the new challenge of my 40 year old eyes. One of my instructors is very good, but I'm also completely intimidated by her. The program produces very competent new therapists, but it is the hardest challenge I have given myself . . . ever! Once completed, I shall have earned myself an incredible amount of self-value, for I would have proven, most importantly to myself, that I do not give up easily, and that I can persevere to accomplish something.

This training is key to my future, and my rebirth! I build my dreams. The hospital in Eugene has an extension hospital in the next town over, Springfield. It just opened, and is BEAUTIFUL!! They have three openings for RTs, and have had them posted for months. I plan to apply as soon as I'm certified. I'll apply to the hospital in Eugene too. I really don't care which one hires me, only that one of them does. I will complete my training in May of 2009. I will coordinate to sit my certification testing immediately. By my birthday I should have accomplished my CRT. My goal is to go on and finish the RRT, but I will be following the lead of many people I have talked to, and will go begin working first for awhile before I do that. If the hospital in Eugene / Springfield will take me with only the CRT (and I think they will) with the promise to accomplish the RRT within a year or two . . . I will leap . . . and hopefully by June of next year begin my new life in a new location. I'm starting to think about the logistics of moving . . . but it is not an issue that is high on my priorities list. FINISHING is!

So, before I go on over-long, it is dawning a cold Saturday morning. I'm going hawk stalking today for several hours. Maybe I'll trap a beautiful hawk, and can bring her home and look her over, and have her stand on my fist for a few minutes, before I let her go again.

Tonight, I have to work. But I think I shall dress myself in the red dress I wore for my divorce, and buy myself some roses to take to work. I have no marriage. I don't even have a boyfriend to speak of. I walk this journey, this age of my life utterly by myself. I face these greatest challenges of my life completely on my own. And I get through them!

I become the woman that I want to be . . . that I should have been so long ago. It's just scary, and sometimes very lonely.

So I'll post the song I was going to send to him. What purpose does it serve? I don't know. Writing here is my therapy. This is just another form of cope. Click on the link, the little green text to the side. It will auto-play. Right now I can't figure out why it's just playing a snippit in the box below. I figure it out later!

* * * And now the link is no longer valid.  Song was Who Knew, by Pink.  Go look it up somewhere! * * *


* * * The following post is called JUST TRAPPED, and was published 9/20/08 * * *

What does a recently trapped hawk look like?

THIS! Mouth open, hackles flaired, wings up. Everything about this bird says . . . I am afraid of you! I will foot you if I can to defend myself. Hopefully, this lesson will serve her well, and she'll be safe from here on out from humans, many who may actually try to hurt her. I won't be able to take the time to win her confidence and turn her into a hunting partner. I wish her well as she continues on as a wild bird.


* * * The following post is called HAWK STALKIN, and in was published 9/20/08 * * *

Today I got to participate in one aspect of American falconry that is still allowed to me despite my limited time. With my very recently updated license in tow, and a legband which will go unused at this time, I set out on the Wisconsin roads with my guy bud Jay to Hawk Stalk. We were successful!!


Not far out of Coon Valley we saw our first of only two juvenile hawks spotted today, and very quickly convinced him to come down for a closer look. He weighed in at just shy of 32 ounces, a nice male! After a quick picture, after weighing, I let Jay return him to where we found him.

We spent a good number of hours making our way on backroads down to Madison. I must have spotted well over 20 adult red-tails today, and those were only the ones on obvious perches like power poles. The trees are still too thick with leaves to spot the ones in the trees. We actually went to Middleton, and then made our way towards the Mississippi river at Prairie du Chien, and circled back home. Not too far outside of Middleton our second juvie of the day was spotted. At first she was on one of those really tall poles on a fairly busy road, but as we stopped and circled to scope her with the binoculars to confirm her youth, she moved to a very short fence post on a side road . . . a perfect set-up. We drove down that side road and tossed the trap out, and before we could move up the road and turn around, she was on it, and snagged. I decided to jess this one up and take her home, so I could give her a quick spritz with my mite spray. At least I could give her a little benefit against parasites, and hopefully teach her a very good lesson about being scared as regards humans. It might allow her to live longer than her first season.

Once home, I got her out of the box, and we took a couple more pictures.

What a pretty girl!! She had really nice warm yellow eyes, and a very strong grip on her. Her feet were nice and meaty, and dirty, so she's been eating mice. She looked to be in pretty good condition, with a good keel on her. She weighed in at 45 ounces, 2 lbs, 13 oz. She was a good, average sized female.

Liz took a picture with me giving her a big toothy grin. I've missed having a hawk on my fist. Unfortunately, I'll have to continue on without one, as I just don't have time to be a responsible falconer. This particular bird was released just a few minutes after this picture was taken.

* * * The following post was entitled ROADS, and was published on 8/21/08 * * *

The Road Less Traveled by Robert Frost



Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I, I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference!

Note to Self: PMS is REAL, and can really mess up your mind! The next post is a very good indication of that!

I was presented with a divergent path a couple of years ago. Sometimes I resist walking it, but really I've been given no choice. I choose to go on and to thrive. Sometimes I stumble and scrape my knee . . . and it hurts, but overall . . . . I'm on the better path! Mine at least is going to take me somewhere! It just takes time to walk it . . . and sometimes I'm impatient!

* * * The next post is entitled NIGHTMARES, and was published on 8/20/08 * * *

How do you exercise a demon out of your head?

How do you remove a deep sorrow out of your heart?

??

??

I have come so very far from where I was a couple years ago. Yet, I still have a long way to go. I search my soul, and I KNOW what is missing. The vital link is someone else to relate to, and someone that wants to be there with me, for me. I lack the foundation of love, somewhere, to hold my violent emotions at bay.

Some nights, like tonight, I rip myself out of sleep because of my dreams. It's bad enough that He, my closest male friend and husband, left me in my real life. It's bad enough that She, my closest adult girlfriend, took him and herself away. I don't need to be assaulted in my very dreams with her triumphant face, as she waves her wedding invitation under my nose. That bit of information came to me. Why it should matter, it doesn't matter! They left long ago and cease to be a part of my world. I wish my subconscious would see fit to get the memo.

My lonliness comes from my inability, or seemingly blocked ability, to find anybody, man or woman, to feed this need. I briefly re-activated a dating profile, only to decide this last night to take it down again. I don't need more rejection.

I feel like some animal in a cage! I pace and I pace, and find no relief. Classes start next week, and I have mixed emotions. I am ready to move on, to finish what has been started, and to grow those final feathers, yet I am haunted by my fear of failure. So much depends on my success in this one area. It is my hoped passport out of this cage.

And I hope, not for the first time, and not for the last . . . . that once I get there . . . my lonliness will come to an end as well.

I yearn for "home"!

I longingly hope for the place where I belong, where I am wanted, and where I am loved.

Is that too much to ask?

The friends that I have, are all far away. My family, such as it is, is far away, and distant too! My housemate, though a very good person, cannot fill that role, and currently is away visiting her daughter. I have a large quiet house to myself. The silence sometimes outside and in, reverberates off my mental walls. Somewhere deep inside a very hurt little girl cries . . . . and finds no comfort.

And in the real world an adult woman does the same.