Post Trip - Return to Reality
It's a Tuesday morning. I've returned from my trip, and already worked a shift. I was a bit rusty at my job. Amazing how just a week away and you lose some of the finesse of what you do. Sure, what I do is not terribly complicated, but it does take some skill and a lot of multi-tasking to direct calls appropriately and quickly.
I'll post a few more pictures here, and wrap up this section on my visit to Oregon. My time there stretched out, and seemed like a long time. This is good! I totally enjoyed my trip! And I was happy there, even and especially during the times I was on my own. I really shouldn't whine, for I am in a good enough place right now to accomplish those things which I must accomplish. Summer classes will start up again in two weeks, and then it's one full core year of learning how to be an RT. That accomplished, I can leave and hopefully find my life again.
There is a restlessness that makes its presence felt. I've expressed it before here, as well I might, as this is a blog, and an appropriate place to vent things. If I offend any of my readers, I'm sorry. I don't want to be that whining person no one wants to be around. But here, in Wisconsin, where so much has been lost, I feel a total disconnect. I sometimes feel I'm serving a solitary confinement sentence. I have one more year, and I hope I can then find and create for myself someplace that I'll be happy again. So often, I still feel lonely. I try to make contacts, and do, and allow myself to feel emotions for people, but often those too just seem to reinforce that there is something . . . . not right. It's like there is some plan for my life, and close companionship of any kind right now is not on the agenda. But I wish I could somehow find a way to turn off that little voice that whispers my perceived social flaws. However, to totally turn that off would be to will the death of something that I believe is intrinsic to my core being.
I don't know why I am where I am, most of the time. I'm working on my confidence! I hope once my education is done, and I am moved, and return to being an independent woman living on my own, with a career, and goals, and my own purpose . . . . someone might like to be a part of that person. For now, most of the appropriate candidates that I have met . . . don't seem to be a part of that.
There is still a healing process underway. I guess it is a path I must walk in order to be at the appropriate mental and spiritual space for that hoped for day when maybe all my perceived needs are met. Is it the neediness that is the problem? Possibly! But we are social creatures . . . and too often I feel my social network is lacking. I'm willing to give to build that network . . . but too often my efforts seem to be rebuffed. Or, those who do respond have severe flaws themselves that I'm not able nor willing to help fix. And most people are distracted with their own lives.
The clock is ticking . . . I should post some final pictures, and then get on with things I should do today. Routine . . . . moves the clock and the calendar. I don't want to be guilty of thinking that finishing my goals and moving away will somehow CHANGE anything, for I take myself with me. But is the myself that I am . . . such a horrible person? Or just terribly picky? Is it wrong to be that? And is it wrong to hope and to expect that someday someone will be absolutely enthusiastic about who I am?
Am I such an odd duck that I get to swim by myself now for some unknown amount of my future . . . or forever?
I'll post a few more pictures here, and wrap up this section on my visit to Oregon. My time there stretched out, and seemed like a long time. This is good! I totally enjoyed my trip! And I was happy there, even and especially during the times I was on my own. I really shouldn't whine, for I am in a good enough place right now to accomplish those things which I must accomplish. Summer classes will start up again in two weeks, and then it's one full core year of learning how to be an RT. That accomplished, I can leave and hopefully find my life again.
There is a restlessness that makes its presence felt. I've expressed it before here, as well I might, as this is a blog, and an appropriate place to vent things. If I offend any of my readers, I'm sorry. I don't want to be that whining person no one wants to be around. But here, in Wisconsin, where so much has been lost, I feel a total disconnect. I sometimes feel I'm serving a solitary confinement sentence. I have one more year, and I hope I can then find and create for myself someplace that I'll be happy again. So often, I still feel lonely. I try to make contacts, and do, and allow myself to feel emotions for people, but often those too just seem to reinforce that there is something . . . . not right. It's like there is some plan for my life, and close companionship of any kind right now is not on the agenda. But I wish I could somehow find a way to turn off that little voice that whispers my perceived social flaws. However, to totally turn that off would be to will the death of something that I believe is intrinsic to my core being.
I don't know why I am where I am, most of the time. I'm working on my confidence! I hope once my education is done, and I am moved, and return to being an independent woman living on my own, with a career, and goals, and my own purpose . . . . someone might like to be a part of that person. For now, most of the appropriate candidates that I have met . . . don't seem to be a part of that.
There is still a healing process underway. I guess it is a path I must walk in order to be at the appropriate mental and spiritual space for that hoped for day when maybe all my perceived needs are met. Is it the neediness that is the problem? Possibly! But we are social creatures . . . and too often I feel my social network is lacking. I'm willing to give to build that network . . . but too often my efforts seem to be rebuffed. Or, those who do respond have severe flaws themselves that I'm not able nor willing to help fix. And most people are distracted with their own lives.
The clock is ticking . . . I should post some final pictures, and then get on with things I should do today. Routine . . . . moves the clock and the calendar. I don't want to be guilty of thinking that finishing my goals and moving away will somehow CHANGE anything, for I take myself with me. But is the myself that I am . . . such a horrible person? Or just terribly picky? Is it wrong to be that? And is it wrong to hope and to expect that someday someone will be absolutely enthusiastic about who I am?
Am I such an odd duck that I get to swim by myself now for some unknown amount of my future . . . or forever?
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