Molt

At this time of year our birds slowly and systematically change out their feathers. For Nina, it began about three weeks ago. She lost the first minor feathers in her wings. Then two of the red tail feathers dropped. And then surprisingly, the two major primaries on each wing. These are usually the very last feather to drop on a hawk. But many first-year birds don't molt those last couple major primaries their first year. Nina didn't. So they are two-year old feathers, and very worn. Overdue time to go. So out they came! This process will now continue throughout the summer until early fall, at which time she should have a completely renewed mantle of feathers . . . and will be ready to be taken up again and go hunting.

As with my bird, so too in my own life I go through a kind of molt. Little by little parts of my previous life drop away from me. And for survival, I must yank away others. It is my birthday today. I am 42. I make plans, I hope, and in my own way I pray, but truly I really don't know where my path leads.

I have taken a new job in Onalaska. The pay is not great, but it is flexible as I go to school. It's an hour drive each way. Fuel costs are over $3.20 at this writing . . . and no signs that will go down. I assessed my finances last night. They are not good. This morning I have cancelled my satellite. I won't miss it as I hardly ever watch TV. I must do the same for the phone. So, any of you who know me . . . pretty soon here the cell phone is going to be the only way to reach me. I hate to think about going offline here at home . . . but it's coming to a choice between that, and eating. I think I'd like to keep eating!

I've always kept small cage birds since I was a senior in high school. I am down to 2 remaining cage birds. One will be sold soon. If I can find a home for the other, he too will leave. One by one my animals are all being farmed out. I just really don't know what to do about the dogs. I hope I am not pushed to make a decision.

I need a room-mate. I am working towards that goal. But it is not easy. My home is nice. But it is remote. To get someone to come and live here will be what I need to not take the next step I don't want to even contemplate . . . that of selling my home. If I have to, if I am pushed to it, I can put all my things into storage, and find someone looking for a room-mate in Onalaska/La Crosse while I finish my education. But it would mean I could not keep Nina, unless one of my falconry friends let me keep her at their home. But that is not being a responsible falconer! Besides, eventually, I am leaving this place. My falconry is going to get put on hold at some point. Sooner or later, it is going to happen, just hopefully for not too long. Barring some fabulous and unforseen turn of events . . . I want to leave this place. I WILL leave this place!! It holds nothing for me anymore!

So many feathers drop away, but a few begin to grow in. I completed two classes, and have an A in each. I am enrolled in another for the summer. I think, I know a place I would like to go. It is a beautiful place by all accounts, an hour from the ocean, an hour from the mountains, modern, progressive. A tentative search found a hospital network with multiple openings for Respiratory Therapist, which is what I am studying. The starting pay is well above anything I have ever made. It is a shining goal I make for myself. A light on the horizon to keep myself focused on.

Tonight I have dinner with a friend . . . someone who I never would have met unless I was divorced. Sometimes good comes out of divorce. He has been incredibly influential in my recovery and my healing. He gives me strength and courage to make the changes and do what is necessary to make for myself a new life, and to not be too discouraged when the stress of it all sometimes makes me contemplate ending it all. He has dried too many of my tears. A true friend!

I change out my own feathers. I become something very different than what I was before. It is a slow process. And sometimes still very painful.

But it must be done! For survival!